Need help with my Writing question – I’m studying for my class.

Need help on revising my statement of purpose. See Question below, Further down is my first draft. Want to add more information regarding the competencies. You can expand on goals. Let me know if you want more information about me to add.

Explain how you believe the VHA Health Systems Management Trainee Program will assist you in further defining your primary personal and/or professional life goals. Why is now the best time for you to pursue this training? Your explanation should include, but not necessarily be limited to, a description of both your intermediate and longer-term career goals, as well as a current vision of your desired position upon program completion. Please limit your response to no more than 4000 characters (about one page).

You will be rated on the following Competencies for this position:

Why Healthcare Administration? If I say, “I was born for this”, would that be too cliché’? Truth is, I really think I was. I can remember as early as 4 years old when I asked my dad why his skin was rough, felt like leather and why it was different from mine— He had been in a Humvee explosion that left him with 3rddegree burns all over his body. It was then that I knew I wanted to help people, help people like my father. As I got older, I began to see my older siblings join the military and follow in the footsteps of my dad in being the ideal American, the person who answers the nations call, who has a duty to serve. I knew my journey in life wasn’t quite that (to be in the military), but I knew I wanted to be attached to it somehow. As I got older and started caring for my father and taking a more active role in his healthcare I began to understand that to serve comes in a multitude of forms. My passion was to care for those who put their life on the line to care for us. I knew that the Veterans Health Administration was where I needed to be. It is my goal to make a significant contribution to the health of veterans through effective management, clinical operations, and delivery of health care services.

Veterans are a special class of people. They often time get praised when they join the military, exalted when they return home from war, but then upon discharge they are sometimes forgotten. Forgotten by society and then in certain cases forgotten by their own family. I am committed to making changes and helping by improving efficiency in health care facilities. Over the past 12 years, I have worked at the American Lake VA Hospital. My work experience combined with my education in Social entrepreneurship and my MBA in Healthcare Administration will enable me to be successful in my goal of becoming a hospital administrator. I believe the VHA Health Systems Management Trainee program will further help me in reaching my goals. I have gained knowledge about many processes and programs in the VA and I have had the opportunity to work with many different service lines, but being a part of this program will give me the opportunity to work directly with a mentor and with someone who is doing the job that I would love to do. It would give me the chance to develop the skills and the abilities that I have already.

Everything happens for a reason and in the right season, and I believe the right time is now. I have finished school and I am ready to move and do whatever it is that I need to do in order to reach my goals. I would love to be a part of this program, work as a health systems specialist and then grow to become a hospital administrator and ultimately an associate director. I have learned the value of customer service by working in the pharmacy and I feel that I can offer a lot to the program as well as gain a lot from this experience. My interest in healthcare policy and procedures combine with my passion and will to help veteran is what sets me a part. I want to take part in deciding how we can provide the best care for people like my father, for veterans.